Dear God....I HATE CANCER

Dear God..

Several friends ask me to repost this here in the Dear Squirrely Girl blog.

On April 17th 1995, my son Adam relapsed with ALL (Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia)..we were in for a very long road… I found this entry from my journal at Sacred Heart Children’s Hospital..

May 14th 1995

GOD, I hate cancer…I hate the sound, the look, the pain, the tears, the worry, the waiting, the fear, the drugs, the paperwork, the bills, the needles, the IV pumps, the beep of the IV pumps when the nurses don’t come, the sound of the buzzer for the nurses, the chemo, the radiation, fluorescent lights, hospital rooms, waiting rooms ,Dr.’s offices, Dr’s sad faces, the cleaning lady, the coke and candy machines that always seems to need $1.00 when I only have 75 cents… GOD …I hate cancer…

But…

GOD, I love You …I love the sound of Adams’ voice, the look of hope on his face even through the pain and tears, I love my family and friends and their prayers, the patience we gain each day, and the fear we are slowly learning to overcome. God, I love the drugs that you gave someone the knowledge and determination to discover, and the needles and IV’s that carry them through his body, I love the IV pump that goes off when he needs attention, I love this buzzer I can hold in my hand so the nurses can know when we need them, and the electricity that keeps them beeping and buzzing… I love whoever created radiation, I love the lady in admitting who sweetly and gently hands me the pen to sign all the paperwork, knowing I probably cannot make good on the promise to pay anytime soon, I love Dr. Jenkins and how gentle he is while giving even the most horrific news, (I can almost see his heart breaking when he talks to us. God be with him each day) .. I love the cleaning lady who always has a smile even when I am crabby because I haven’t had any sleep all night and she needed to turn on the light... but then she fluffs my pillow on the back of my chair and says “try to get some sleep yourself, little mama” because she understands that a kind word…and a clean floor can do as much good as any drug sometimes…God, help me to remember to say “thank you” to her….And, you know what God?? I even love that old coke and candy machine that says I still need a quarter to make my dreams of a Payday bar and a Dr. Pepper come true…..God, I hate cancer….but I love You more.

If you or someone you love is battling cancer right now, my prayers are with you!

~Squirrely Girl